Friday, November 10, 2017

Funny Friday




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Another Friday closer to Christmas, time for some funnies. Some oldies and classics this week, no theme, just a cocktail of smiles. Enjoy. 

For the benefit of overseas readers, a number of the items below contain local references. 

For the benefit of everyone, there is risqué content included.
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After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.

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Recently a police patrol parked outside a bar. 

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. 

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 

'I seriously doubt it', said the man. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
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A guy walks into the Sydney office of St George Bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account", to which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' cheque account right now."

Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language at St George Bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 100 million in Powerball and I want to open a fuckin' cheque account in this damn bank!"

“I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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A mum is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

"Mummy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It’s not polite."

"Okay" the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mum wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex.”

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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop.

The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up and said, "Your house!"
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A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Midas?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.

The wife finds a leak in the roof.

She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob the Builder?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.

So is the plumbing. So is the car.

He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Nigella Lawson?"


                                     



Corn Corner

Some Irish humour for Corn Corner:


An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.

O’Malley is leaving his favourite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. O’Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
St Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.
O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
“It’s a glove,” says St Peter. “Let’s try again. What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?”
O’Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, he gives up.
“Why, it’s TWO gloves – don’t you see? Ten fingers, black leather?” says St. Peter, amazed.
Being in a generous mood, St Peter decides to give O’Malley one final chance and thinks of an even easier question.
“Okay. Who is the patron saint of Ireland?” he asks, thinking surely O’Malley can’t miss this.
“It wouldn’t be three gloves, would it?” says O’Malley.

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin airport.
“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.
“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.
“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “After all, he’s been away for a long time”.
“I wonder if he’ll recognise you?” said the American.
“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all!”
 


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