Another Friday closer to Christmas and another Funny Friday.
Today's theme: gambling.
A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat, and then returns it to the rabbi.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi! This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse also comes in first.
Finally, at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him, and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."
I want to buy five racehorses and call them First, Second, Third, Fourth and Fifth.
I’d enter them in the same race. They might not win, but the commentary would be great.
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. “Where the hell have you been?” screamed my wife. I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.” “Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!” “So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
A man rang his wife and said “I’ve just won Lotto, pack your bags.” “Shall I pack for warm or cold?” she asked. “I don’t care,” he said, “Just as long as you’re not there when I get home.”
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
How do you make 50 nice church ladies curse like sailors?
An older gentleman is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler.
I’d do anything to win her back.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money’s on Dave.
"My husband's going to a casino in central Asia.
"Of course, why else would he go!"
Last night I got thrown out of the casino.
I completely misunderstood the crap table.