Wednesday, November 8, 2017

A Cynical Person's Guide to Life

Some of the following are actually quite profound and spot on . . . 


Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

Who gossips to you will gossip of you.

When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The trouble with work is - it's so daily.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it.

Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.


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