John, a friend and competitor at our Wednesday night trivia, told me a Jewish joke, which is the first one below.
That also sets the theme for this Funny Friday: more Jewish humour. I must confess that I love Jewish jokes.
Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it. They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home.
When he gets home, he stands in front of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?"
She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe, you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?"
But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than his new shoes.
Once again he stands in front of Sadie and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?"
Once again she looks him up and down, then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Moshe says, "Do you know why it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly at my new shoes!"
Sadie replies, "You should have bought a hat!"
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper. On it was written just one word: "SCHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his Shabbos* sermon, Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across people who have written to me but forgotten to sign the letter. This week, however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write the letter."
*Shabbos: Judaism's day of rest and seventh day of the week.
A Jewish mother’s lament:
“Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask for from a child, after all I've done?”
Shlomo is travelling on the London underground and is sitting opposite a middle aged Jew wearing a kippah.*
Shlomo says, "Shalom. Do you have the time?"
The man ignores him.
"Excuse me," Shlomo asks again, "what time is it please?"
The man still doesn't answer him.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you again, but I need to know the time. Why won't you answer me?"
At last the man speaks. "Son, the next stop is Edgware, the last station on this line. I haven’t seen you before so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, it’s Jewish tradition that I must invite you to my home. As you're young and good looking and I have a beautiful daughter named Suzy, you will fall in love with her and will want to get married. So tell me, why on earth would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford his own watch?"
* Kippah: Hebrew word for skullcap, also referred to in Yiddish as a yarmulke.
Issy had read that fishing was a therapeutic pastime. So he buys the necessary equipment and goes to his local lake. But as it's his first time, he has no idea what bait to use. He looks around and sees 3 men casting their lines. Almost immediately, they began to catch an awful lot of fish. So Issy goes up to them.
"Excuse me," he asks the first man, "What bait are you using?"
"Well, I'm a doctor and I use tonsils," he replies. "You really can't beat them – the fish here love tonsils."
Well Issy hasn’t bought any tonsils with him, so he goes to the second fisherman.
"Excuse me," he asks, "What bait are you using?"
"I'm also a doctor and I have a great deal of success using bits of appendix."
Issy then turns to the third fisherman and can’t help but notice that he too is very successful at catching fish.
"Let me guess," Issy says to him. "You're also a doctor."
"Actually I’m not," came the reply. "I'm a mohel."*
* Mohel: a person who performs ritual Jewish circumcisions. They are required to have both religious and surgical training. The word as pronounced rhymes with “boil”.
Howard had been a good Jew all his life. Now, 90 years old, he was very ill and in hospital. His family were with him. Then his Rabbi arrived.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard 's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died.
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket pocket and said prayers.
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note.
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of comfort in it for all of us."
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine."
Ruth's baby boy is born with only one eyelid. "Oy veh! What am I going to do?" she says to her doctor.
"Don't worry," he replies, "after the bris*, we will take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid."
"But if you do that," says Ruth, "won’t it will make him cockeyed?"
"On the contrary," says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight."
* Bris: Jewish religious male circumcision ceremony performed by a mohel ("circumciser") on the eighth day of a male infant's life.
Student letter to his father:
Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple card a$ I would love to hear from you.
His father replies: -
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and one can never study eNOugh.
Love your father,